The Excellent History of Madame Regina

Coffee Please

I’m sitting at my keyboard writing the current installment and drinking lots of harsh, black coffee – and that’s exactly how I like it –strong, black, and mean as hell!

In this episode, Tessi the Gypsy is walking down Benjamin Street, the main thoroughfare in Stanktown. Something…some force is drawing her to a part of the neighborhood she has never visited. This cosmic persuasion seems to want her to go to a very specific location. She goes along willingly since she knows, deep in her soul, that whatever it is compelling her to make this trip will not harm her. As a matter of fact, this intense beckoning seems familiar to her. It’s been a while since she felt something like this. Not since she was back in the old country did she have this feeling. However, in her mind, she can’t believe it’s the very same power that draws her to this as yet unknown location.

“Not here.” She mutters to herself as she moves toward the energy that’s pulling her and gaining strength as she comes closer. “Not een America!”

She stops in front of a rundown wood building. The force is now overwhelming. It’s as if a soft melody she heard as she left her home has now turned into a stirring, orchestral crescendo. She opens the door and enters. A little brass bell attached to a spring inside the doorway signals her arrival.

Yawyk Acker stands in the center of her store and looks intently at her visitor.  She moves toward Tessi the Gypsy until she’s toe to toe with her. Acker reaches out and clasps Tessi by the arms and says, with a slight quiver in her voice,

“Gypsies always protected the Karazanjian Witches in the old country!”

 Shocked by this revelation, a wide-eyed Tessi covers her mouth with both hands.

“I knew you were coming Tessi the Gypsy!” Acker tells her, “I’m sure I felt yer’ presence de’ first day ya’ came to dis country!”

 Tessi steps back and stares in disbelief at Acker.

 “Ees not poh-seebul! All Karazanjian Witch dead!”

 Acker smiles and takes Tessi by the hand. She leads her to the back room. “

Well I ain’t dead yet honey!” Acker says with a slight laugh, “I’m too mean to go!”

She brings Tessi to the very room used by the women in the neighborhood as a sanctuary.

 “Why doncha’ relax for a minute,” Acker says as she holds out her hand at the big, comfy chair. “I’ll make us some tea.”

Tessi is still stunned by the news that one Karazanjian Witch is still alive. She shakes her head and mutters something in native language. Meanwhile Acker is in her kitchen preparing the tea. She goes into her kitchen cabinet and takes a small tin of loose tea leaves. It’s a special mix of tea meant only for other witches and those who possess the ability to harness the supernatural powers of the spiritual world –like Tessi the Gypsy. After the tea has steeped, she pours it into two clear glasses, as is the old world custom. She then brings both glasses and the teapot on a tray into the sanctuary. Tessi takes the glass with both hands. She blows over the top of the glass and takes a sip.

“Ah, thees ees weetch tea!” Tessi says with a smile, “I hev not had seence I vas home, you know.”

 “My tribe has been drinking this tea for thousands of years.” Acker tells Tessi. She has, inexplicably, dropped her usual Stanktown accent.

 

STANKTOWN SPEAK

A few days after her magically induced sex change, Butchi De Rose told Johnnie Buonangeli that, at times, Acker would lapse in and out of her normal way of speaking.

 “I think it has something to do with how much she trusts someone.” Butchi said, “If she trusts a person completely, the Stanktown accent goes away.”

 Johnnie found this explanation perplexing.

“I’ve known Acker since I was little and she always talked to me in her Stanktown accent. Does this mean she doesn’t trust me?”

 “Don’t worry about that Johnnie,” Butchi assured him, “Most of the time she talked to me with the same accent too, and she raised me! So maybe it’s not entirely a matter of trusting someone, but rather, it’s how serious the discussion is going to be. If you have a real serious, and perhaps, life changing discussion with Acker she will drop the accent.”

 “But she just changed you completely as a human being –I was there!” Johnnie explained, “And during that time she never once dropped her accent!”

 “She did Johnnie!” Butchi said, “When she was casting the spell, her incantations were all said without inflection.”

 She thought about what she said and then told Johnnie, “You know, sometimes I think Acker just assumes the role of this hard-bitten, cigarette smoking old woman just to throw everyone off. It’s like she’s slipping into some comfortable persona, or wait –she assumes another identity to throw off her enemies!”

 “What enemies?” Johnnies asked, “She has no enemies –everyone is afraid of her!”

 Butchi smiles and says, “Johnnie, there are just some things about Acker and her world that you, and even I, don’t know about!”

 

ACKER THE WITCH AND TESSI THE GYPSY: THE ALLIANCE

Acker pulls her chair next to Tessi who is sitting on the big, comfortable chair. She puts her hand on Tessi’s knee and says, “So Tessi the Gypsy, my magical friend, what can I do for you?”

 Tessi puts her glass of tea on the little table in front of her and takes Acker’s hand in hers.

 “Karazanjian Acker you mek strong magic week ago?”

 “I did.” Acker tells her, “I hope it didn’t cause you any great harm, because I now know you felt it. I know that anytime I cast a spell, and the last one I did was a Nature correction…”

 “Oh my, Oh my –Neht-shur correk-shen!” A surprised Tessi exclaims.

 “Yes, it was a Nature correction.” Acker says, “And I knew that if there were any receptive souls in the area, they would feel the full effect of the spell!”

 “I feel eet!” Tessi says emphatically, “I feel eet! Oh I feel eet so moch!”

 With some concern Acker asks her, “It didn’t hurt you did it, honey?”

 “No, no don’t hurt me!” Tessi says as she takes Acker’s hand in both of hers and rubs it to assure her that she is fine.

 “Nothing hurt…bot you know sohmteenk…maybe I theenk –NO! I feel like sohmteenk heppen!”

 “You feel that something happened Tessi? Is that it?” Acker says with concern, “I’m afraid to ask, but what do you think happened?”

 A tear rolls down Tessi’s cheek. She takes a handkerchief from the pocket of her expansive and elaborately brocaded skirt and wipes her eyes.

 “I theenk det ven you mek spell…door open and bad speer-eet com een!”

 “And that’s what I was afraid of Tessi,” Acker says, putting her hands to her chest. “I wasn’t strong enough this time to prevent this from happening! But I had no choice, I had to make this change. I had to cast just one more spell!”

 “Vaht shood ve do Karazanjian Acker?”

 Acker stands up and thinks about the next step. She then turns to Tessi and says, “I need your help good Tessi the Gypsy! You’re still young and strong and you have magic in you! You can help me return this malevolent spirit back to where it came from!”

 Surprised, Tessi rises from the chair and says, “Bot I neveh fight eevil speer-eet! I only mek ghost go from house and breeng baby!”

 Acker puts her arm around Tessi’s shoulder.

 “Both of those powers are for good –especially bringing a healthy baby into the world! You have strong magic in you Tessi the Gypsy! I don’t doubt that at all! After all, there was a reason you came here today. You didn’t know the reason –you didn’t even know where you were supposed to go, did you? But do you see what happened? It was the universal force of the Karazanjian sisterhood that beckoned you today! Tessi I know you can do it –I know you can help me!

 “Oh-keh!” Tessi says, a little more confident in her abilities to help Acker.

“I help you enny vay I can Karazanjian Acker!”

 “Thank you good Tessi the Gypsy!” Acker says with sincere gratitude.

“Vaht vee shood do?” Tessi asks.

 “The first thing we have to do is find this spirit!” Acker says as she leads Tessi out of the sanctuary and directs her toward the basement.

 “If I know anything about these kind of spirits, I know they don’t stray too far from the entryway. So this manifestation we’re dealing with is probably still in the area somewhere. I need to get some potions to create a spell.”

 Both of the magical women make their way downstairs and come to the bare wall at the front of the basement.

 “Tessi help me slide the wall open?” Acker says as she puts her hands flat against the wall.

 “You hev Karazanjian chamber here?” Tessi asks in amazement.

 “Believe it or not I do,” Acker replies as they slide the wall open, “and it’s the only one in this part of the world!”

“Now vee go to chamber and mek potion?” Tessi asks as Acker lights the lantern and leads Tessi downstairs. In no time they are in Acker’s underground chamber.

COLLECT CALL FOR REVEREND MARBLEHEAD

Reverend Alvin Marblehead has just left the office of Councilman Buddy O’Connor. Once again, Reverend Marblehead has tried to convince Boss O’Connor to close down Rigger’s Nightclub. This time he tried to convince him to do this by telling O’Connor that Butchi De Rose is really a boy.

“WHAT!” Boss O’Connor shouted after getting the news from the reverend.

“BUTCHI AIN’T NO BOY!” he says in a loud reply to the minister. “Tell me somethin’ dere  rev’rend –are you blind or somethin’?”

“I can assure you Councilman O’Connor,” Marblehead says in an attempt to sound diplomatic, “I got this information from a reliable source. And as you know, this kind of behavior, this pretending to be a gender you are not, is actually illegal!”

Boss O’Connor’s face is getting red with anger. “Hey, lemme tell ‘bout what’s legal and what ain’t! De’ last time I heard: slander was still illegal too. What I’m hearing from you is dat yer slanderin’ de reputation of a real classy lady!”

“And that real classy lady,” Marblehead replies sharply, “as you so ignorantly put it, IS ACTUALLY A MAN!”

Boss O’Connor has heard enough. He moves from around his desk and opens the door to his office. He then looms over the smaller minister and angrily points his finger at Marblehead, “You get outta here right now holy Joe! And I don’t wanna see you come around here no more! Got it!”

The reverend slinks out the door and runs down the street. When he feels he’s out of harms way he stops running.

“MARBLEHEAD YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”

The reverend looks around to see who is yelling at him, but no one is in the vicinity.

“FOOL MARBLEHEAD! YOU CAN’T SEE ME!”

 Marblehead continues to jerk his head around to see who is speaking.

“Is-is that you again O’ Lord?” He says looking upward.

“NO YOU IDIOT –I TOLD YOU THE FIRST TIME I’M NOT THE LORD!”

 “Well if you’re not the Lord, then who are you?” Marblehead asks meekly, “Are you one of the apostles?”

 Suddenly, Marblehead finds himself being lifted above the sidewalk. He screams and begins to flail his arms and legs wildly in an attempt to touch the ground.

 “NOW I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK WHO I WAS!” The voice now seems to be speaking directly in the reverend’s ear –yet no one is next to him.

 “I TOLD YOU I WAS YOUR TRUE MASTER  --DON’T YOU REMEMBER? I TOLD YOU WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO! I TOLD YOU TO FORGET ABOUT THAT STUPID LITTLE CHURCH…

 AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO ME!

 The roaring voice causes Marblehead’s hair to blow as if it were in a fierce windstorm.

 “Okay-okay-okay-okay!” Marblehead pleads, “Please forgive me! I –uh- I forgot –uh- our deal!”

 “THERE IS NO DEAL MARBLEHEAD YOU IDIOT! A DEAL IMPLIES THAT BOTH SIDES MAKE AN EQUITABLE AGREEMENT THAT IS BENEFICIAL TO BOTH PARTIES! THIS DEAL WILL ONLY BENEFIT ME –GOT IT!”

 Marblehead is still flailing above the ground trying to get down. With his voice quivering with fear he says, “W-w-well Lord if this only –uh- benefits you…uh-what’s in if for me?”

 “WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU? HOW ABOUT IF YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO, I WON’T SEND YOUR SORRY SELF BACK TO THE AGE OF DINOSAURS. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

 “Uh- I think I like that very well!” Marblehead says, “I do like that very well Lord –I mean sir –or whatever you want me to call you!